Choosing to Show Up

This has been a week of work and a week of challenge. While using my creativity to find new ways to exist in this time and in this place, I have also tackled a life-long fear.

When I was young (probably around 6 or 7 years old), someone purposefully (in play) flipped me off of a float in a pool. I didn’t know how to swim, so the experience was traumatic, and I have always avoided putting my face in water since. As a result, I never learned how to swim beyond a doggy paddle (is this what it’s called in the UK? I don’t know.)

Watching my children swim has increased my desire to learn, so this week, I had my first lesson. And wouldn’t you know, the first thing I had to do was put my face under water for four seconds at a time. That is funny because I frequently meditate and/or do conscious breathing exercises throughout my day. Holding my breath for four seconds is not a big deal. Holding my breath for four seconds under water is another story entirely.

The system for booking lessons was not working properly, so I had to--in a number of ways--repeatedly say, “I choose to learn to swim.” This is another way of saying, “I choose to show up for myself.” Every single time I logged on to try the system, I said, “I choose to show up.” Every time I sent an email or made a phone call, I said, “I show up for myself.” And I will keep saying so as I go to the lessons.

In all of my healing work over the past nearly decade, the one thing I’ve learned is that if we are to choose healing, we must do so over and over and over again. At least that’s how it has been, it may become more spontaneous as ascension happens and dimensions change (loads of info on the internet about this, so I won’t go into it here). In my experience, whether it’s forgiveness or attitude adjustment or overcoming fear, I’ve had to say “I choose this” a million times and a million different ways, every single time the issue has come up. I’ve worked through forgiving myself and others, through some deep, intense darkness, by saying over and over to myself, “I forgive.”

The metaphysical community often talks about self-love without ever really giving a definition. To me, this is radical self-love. Showing up for ourselves, a million different times and in a million different ways, repeating over and over that we choose healing and love, this is my version of self-love.

I choose to nurture that traumatized child who is terrified of water on her face. I choose to hold her, to comfort her, and to guide her as she gets back in the water. I choose to show up for her when she needs help and reassurance. I choose to heal. And while I suspect that my issues go deeper than this one incident, I choose to believe that by healing this one, the rest will heal, too (and as I look up from writing, there is a rainbow in the clouds--promises made, and promises kept).

After all, I choose to believe in miracles.

Much love, y’all.